Mar 012015
 

Just stayed up waaaaaaaaay past my bedtime to watch George Clooney in Descendants, I think it was called. Deliciously emotional.

Powerfully emotional movies leave me, oftentimes, having to remind myself that the characters’ pain is not my pain. Strange and kind of discombobulating.

I think past hurts/situations/dramas/traumas just get kind of dredged up from within. They pop up to the surface, often without clarity, and intermingle with the characters’ emotions.

A big soupy mix of my past emotions, the characters’ emotions, and my current bystander, secondhand emotions watching their scenes play out.

Weird. Like how smells can transport you to some other time, place, atmosphere…

So I’m over here emoting as well as worrying about my “I watched a movie and I stayed up late” headache and hoping it won’t kick my ass when the sun comes up. I decided to pop into FB a sec, so I could sit up long enough to properly swallow some ibuprofen and diphenhydramine.

And I discovered I had been logged out of FB. Well, crap, it’s been forever since I had to recall my password. We all know what that means. Recovering the password steps.

So I’m going through them and lo and behold, FB’s telling me someone reported me through their new suicide prevention tool.

And here’s where I began to question myself. Now wait, I wasn’t sad and emo, right? That was George and his movie daughters who were sad. Right?

Well hell, I don’t know. Did I post something negative/depressing/sad before I watched the movie? No. No way. Saturday was a good day. Right?

Right, me?

Weird how I can get so confused. Whoa. Head’s not happy – will have to finish this in the daylight…
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2:30 in the morning was eight hours ago, so I can’t remember where I intended to go next in this thought process. And my head hurts too much to continue it anew. Suffice it to say, emotional movies take me on a weird, confusing ride on swirling whitewater rapids of emotions.
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FB’s suicide prevention tool sending me a message may have been a glitch, a bug in the new system. I mean, I have been having a hard time. I don’t think, however, that I’ve posted anything too morose lately.

Or it could be one of the oodles of people, who will I’m sure, want to jack with the system with false reports. There are screeners around the clock and around the world, according to Facebook, but it’s being a new system, false report could’ve gotten past them.

It may well have been someone worried about me, and if so, I thank you for that. Though I’m having a hard time, I promise I’m not in a dangerous place right now.

I haven’t even come close to sorta considering suicide since I first got pregnant back in December 1992. Thank you, God, for that! That is a miracle, for sure!

It has been difficult to be clean and sober and live with chronic pain. And the first week+ off of carbamazepine, I did seriously consider smoking pot. After 23 years of sobriety, that was really weird to realize how serious I was about trying it.

One could say, however, that I’ve already been stoned for years — on Tegretol. I think if I were in a pot-legal state, I’d be willing to try it, under a doctor’s care. But in an illegal-pot state without a doctor as a guide? That could get slippery.

It’s funny, I’ve just thought of something. Being a recovered member of Overeaters Anonymous is tricky. (Which I’m not, though I used to go to meetings.) It’s difficult, because as they say, “You still have to go in the lion’s den three times a day to feed it — without getting bitten.”

It occurs to me that a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous (which I am,) who lives with chronic pain, faces much the same trouble.

I’ve often felt guilty about my “using,” but these last few weeks off Tegretol has really validated my need for such constant use of mind-altering drugs. Change my brain? Hell yeah, I’d like to — change it out for a not defective one!

Okay, this post is super long with no formatting and no graphics, but my head’s killing me. So I’m going to publish now and come back and fix it up pretty later.

Stay Groovy,
Lisa Marie Mary

Feb 102015
 
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The recent generic drug price increase directly affects me right now. Like, right this very minute. I’ve eaten Benadryl and Advil like it’s candy today. My ‘wrap around your neck heating pad’ is wrapped around my neck. I have an ice pack on my head. I’m having another one of my lovely migraines.

You know what it’s like at daycares and elementary schools right at the moment the teachers open the doors and let the kids outside for recess? It’s like a stampede — there’s stomping, running, yelling, laughing, and even some shoving. For the last few weeks, I’ve been the teacher, my migraines have been those rowdy, noisy, screaming kids. Set free to trample all over my brain.

But Why, Lisa?

Why this crazy free-for-all in my grey matter? I had to go off of the one drug that helps me so much to keep the migraines at bay. The price of it, in one month’s time, jumped from $9/month to $85/month. We are really struggling financially right now, so this is a big, “Nope!” Foreclosure. Cable/internet cut off. One day, had our water cut off. I told my husband about it right away. He went to pay it in less than two hours and there was a $50 penalty. For its having been off two hours! (I know the penalty wasn’t for the water being off for two hours, but for our bill being late. It is, however, just one more example of the extra cost of being poor. It is definitely expensive to be poor.)

So anyway, $85/month is just too much money right now.

DISCLAIMER

As a disclaimer, I will add that while being off of my medicine is frightening, there are also many reasons it would be great to stay off of it. Some of those are: it’s dangerous for my liver, it’s probably an accomplice to (if not the instigator of) the evil twins ‘hair loss’ and ‘weight gain,’ and most importantly, I take entirely too much of it. I take extra than the recommended dose for my bipolar disorder, when I get migraines. The doctor I’ve been going to for eight years was okay with this, up until my last visit a couple months ago, at which point he said it definitely wasn’t okay, as if he’d never said otherwise. SMH.

I usually get migraines 15, 20, or 25 days a month. So I take extra a lot.Then I have to slowly work my way back down to the correct dose. It is one if those drugs that are dangerous not to taper off slowly. By the time I get tapered back down, I get another migraine. It’s a rotten, vicious cycle. So I do want to be off of it, I just don’t know if I can. And as my doctor and I have been talking about getting me off of it, I would’ve liked to make that decision and transition with him, as opposed to having my hand forced by the prescription drug company.
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I thought this was maybe just about this one drug — generic carbamazepine — but after talking to my sister-in-law (a pharmacy tech. of 20 years) I know that many generic drugs are affected. She serves a lot of older, retired folks, who are now having a lot of trouble getting their medicine. Or they are just going without. Senator Warren has a thing or two to say about that.
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And she is a total badass. And I just realized the main reason I love her so much — she completely reminds me of my own awesome momma, Judi! They are massively assertive (without being agressive) with their total badass, brainiac selves.

But you know what? Perhaps they are sometimes aggressive, but they are quietly agressive. They are not backing down, but they are not in your face yelling at you like a Hulk. Quiet, unbending strength.

They are both, definitely, my heroes.

They absolutely refuse to back down from positions about which they feel passionately. One of those things for Senator Warren has been this issue of generic prescription drug prices, as well as, FDA oversight. She addressed the topic at a subcommittee hearing in early December called, “Why Are Some Generic Drugs Skyrocketing In Price?”

A lot of people want her to run for president, but she hasn’t agreed to put her name in the hat yet. There is a movement that is a project of MoveOn.org Political Action to gather support and convince Senator Warren to run. You can read all about it here: Run Warren Run. Check it out, sign up to help or donate, share it with all your friends. Unless, of course, you enjoy giving handouts to filthy rich bankers. ;-)

Stay Groovy,
Lisa Marie Mary

P.S. You can read about my awesome momma and her animal wefare adventures in The Judi Files. She ROCKS!! ;-)

Nov 052014
 

Completely irrelevant but oh so cute.

Completely irrelevant but oh so cute.

Well, it is quiet chaos, but it is chaos, nonetheless. First and foremost it’s the mantra that some evil gremlins popped into my head this morning, “Write, write, write, Lisa, write!” That has been on a loop in my silly brain all day today. Just do it. Just write. Your writing muscle has atrophied and if you don’t bleeping do it, you’ll never bleeping do it. Getting experience to have experience to get experience. Yeah, all that stuff. Stuffy stuff.

It’s past my bedtime, I’ve had headache meds, and I’m really about half a shade away from worthless. I figured, oh what the holy heckfire, let’s just write something. Why not. I may be falling asleep between paragraphs, or even sentences at times, but hey – just got for it.

Tap those keys, add letters to that page that maybe string together in some type of relevant to someone coherency. If not, at the very least, the writing muscle is getting its workout. And that can’t be all bad. Right? Right.

***********************AND THEN*******************

Okay, so late last night, I was medicated, I was up past my bedtime, and I decided I should just jump in and right a fucking post. Why not, right? Hahaha! Turns out, I fell asleep with the computer open on my lap.

I’m not even sure what time it was I woke up. I just remember waking up, sitting up in my recliner, and I suppose pretending to be awake and productive. There are some interesting mistakes and what not up there in that drivel up there. I figure I’ll just leave them as they are. Why not.

I don’t have a whole heck of a lot more to say at this juncture as my brain is really focused on this other work I have to do for a few clients. Thought I’d sum up this silly little post, try to sort of explain my goofy self, and wrap it up.

So that’s that. I hope you have a tremendously awesome Tuesday! :-)

Stay Groovy,
Lisa Marie Mary

Apr 302014
 

Lucky (in back) and Buck, a Dane we helped get home safely.

Lucky (in back) and Buck, a Dane we helped get home safely.

Ah, my poor sweet family is absolutely jonesing for a dog! We lost our sweet boy, Lucky (“Puppy”), on February 15, 2013. It’s still really raw, I almost couldn’t even write that last sentence. I miss him so much, my dear, sweet boy. Well, apparently I’m not the only one. There’s also the point about our household just not being the same without a big ol’ dog loping around and lying around. So it’s twofold, really. Missing Puppy and just plain missing having a dog.

What has transpired to inform me that my family is in such a state is kind of funny, if you ask me. Last Thursday or Friday or Saturday, sometime around then, Mark came home from work and gushed on and on about this one year old Great Dane (one of my favorite dogs, low blow, Mark!) that is need of a home. He went on and on about how he is so sweet and so much like Lucky was. This Dane was letting small children play around him, bugging him, even at one point pulling his tail and he had no response at all. That is exactly how Lucky was. *sigh*

“No, Mark, no. We can’t have a dog. We can’t afford one right now.”

On Sunday, Sammie came home from her girlfriend’s grandmother’s house and was telling me all about a German Shepherd mix (another fave. ugh.) puppy that she was cuddling with and how amazingly sweet he was and he needs a home and on and on and on…
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Nov 022013
 
King the Kid

I had a great “Wrecking Ball” series of posts planned and even begun… but then I dropped the ball. I did the first post, Four Best Miley Cyrus “Wrecking Ball” Parodies.

The next post I was going to do was a few of the covers of the song that are on Youtube. I never got to that one, but you should really go check them out. There are some very talented people on Youtube that might just blow you away.

The third post in the series, though, I could not skip. This is a really great boy band called, King the Kid. I just learned of them in my hunt for all of these videos. The totally awesome thing that they’ve done is a parody and a cover. And not only that, they are really good!

So check them out, King the Kid performing “Wrecking Ball”:

Talented musicians, beautiful sounds, and quite funny, to boot! What’s not to love?

Stay groovy,
LMM-sig

Nov 012013
 

kitten

Wonder what he’s dreaming…

I set the intention to blog once a day for the month of November, kind of in conjunction with NaNoWriMo, but for bloggers. And I also plan to spread it out among my blogs. One day here, one day there, etc….

Clearly, though, I’ve put this off until the last minute today. And I’m also nursing a rockin’ migraine, so I’m not all that pumped up about it. So I went digging through my drafts to see if there was something there I could work with. What I found is a little kooky. And I’ve decided to leave it in its “drafts” form – or I’m forced as I’ve left it in there so long, there’s no way I could fill it out properly. But I like it, so it’s getting published.

Okay, this is funny – and definitely wandering. At some point, I jotted down a bunch of notes from my dreams the night before, so that I could make a post out of them. I know the time frame is in the last 2 1/2 years, as I talk about my niece, Lily – and she is 2 1/2 years old. Other than that, I can’t remember when I wrote it. I remember having dreamed the part about Cenk. Well, I don’t remember all those goofy details, but…
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